A World Within A World

Addiction; Addict; they used to be alien words to me as I denied and minimised the amount I drank. It all started so innocently as well. At the 'wise' age of 15 I drank my first lagers and within 3 years I was already a problem drinker. To everybody else anyway.

As I drank more, and more often, I would satisfy myself by saying, "Well, I don't drink this or that, at lunchtimes... ", etc.

Eventually ( about 25 years later ), I was broken. A rough sleeper in North London, I awoke to the madness that is not having woken in a doorway but to the insanity of not remembering if I either had a few cans or the price of a few. The imaginary list I had of reasons why I did not have a drink problem had long since gone. I had lost homes, relationships, family and friends. I was alone with the very thing that was destroying me. Only those who have suffered the torment, both mental and physical, of needing 'just a few' to start off and ending up having no idea what happened the next day could relate.

I shall try to explain though; for the first drink or two it, insanely, seems like a good idea to be drinking. The memories of the previous days/weeks/months/years mean nothing. It resembles a game which can never be won; that elusive, comfortable feeling, which used to be gained from a few drinks, gradually becomes a quest for the end of the rainbow, which of course one will never find. "Never mind," I used to think, "I've had a few now, so why not more?".

During the course of my alcoholism I had become a father to two children too. How was I able to keep relatively sane, nevermind be a responsible enough adult to be there for my girls? In February 2013 I took the first steps towards what would become a better way of life. It took the demolition of my pride, ego and all which I had righteously thought to be how life should be. But in that way it also opened my eyes to a life which I had never dreamed of. A better life where a hot head like myself could find peace and serenity. I had never thought it possible for my temper to subside in quite the way that it did but it did. It took some practise and I understand that it may take a lifetime to master but I have time.

So here's to the Brave New World, a world within a world where life is so much nicer.